“A child seldom needs a good talking to as much as a good listening to.” ~ Robert Brault
This week's newsletter is curated by Clare Gill on our central team...
As well as my role at The Hobbs Consultancy, I'm also a Therapeutic Counsellor, working in a school with children aged from 11-18. As this week is Children's Mental Health Week, I wanted to reflect on the theme this year - 'My Voice Matters'.
It's impossible not to get invested in the lives of our young people, teaching them good values, protecting them from hurt and making the same mistakes we did, or even different ones. When does that need to protect become more of a barrier than an aid?
After nearly 200 hours of listening to what children have to say, below are some of the things that I hear most:
'My parents just want to tell me what to do.'
'When I talk about stuff my parents just want to give me the other person's point of view.'
'My parents always say "try not to worry about it".'
'My parents just want to compare my life to their childhood.'
Even though likely delivered with good intentions, you don't need to be a School Counsellor to be aware none of these responses reflect a listening approach.
When we use every opportunity to create a "life lesson" for children, we cease to hear and therefore discourage young people from wanting to share. They hear that we don't think you can learn from this by yourself and, worse, we haven't stopped to hear how this has made you feel.
When we try to play devil's advocate it may feel like we are trying to create a broader view but what young people hear is "you are not right, I am not on your side"
When we dismiss concerns and say "don't worry" or "it will blow over", while it may feel like reassurance, our young people hear "this is trivial and not important to me" - no matter how important it is to them.
Comparing our childhoods may feel like showing our relatability but our experiences rarely compare even to our peers, let alone our children's. Dismissing conversations in this way sounds like a lecture (see above!) and suggests we aren't prepared to listen to their experiences.
The time I've spent with children has taught me that young people really want to tell us how they feel, how life impacts them and how important it is to them - space to 'vent', not to get 'advice' is the key.
Really listening will improve relationships, give young people a sense of confidence and an ability to express themselves without fear of judgement or lecturing. Research shows that children with internalised problems (even from as young as 5!) have increased risk of anxiety, depression and generally lower physical and psychological quality of life into adulthood.
Next time a young person wants to talk to you about a problem or have a vent try to hold back on the advice and simply let them know you have heard.
"I'm sorry, that sounds like you have had a really difficult day" can go a long way to helping them feel heard and understood.
The common theme? Listen.... help young people believe 'My Voice Matters'.
Clare x
If you know a child who is struggling with their mental health, below are some ideas that could help.
Young Minds offer help and support for both children and parents.
Mood monitoring apps can also help this tech savvy generation, such as MindShift CBT - an app designed specifically for teens and young adults.
Kooth is recommended in schools as an accessible resource for support for children.