Hello!
A week on from Masculinity in the Workplace 2023 and we're still digesting an incredible afternoon.
In this newsletter we wanted to summarise our keynote speakers, so have asked members of the team to give their key takeouts from the day:
Holly on … Eshaan Akbar
Comedian Eshaan Akbar kicked off 2023’s Masculinity in the Workplace event. Through his comedy genius, Eshaan hit a home run in demonstrating the powerful distinction between Identity and Identifiers.
He bravely asked the audience to set about describing him as if they were identifying who he was on a work floor to a colleague who’d never met him; “black hair,” “brown guy with a beard” and “the only Asian on the floor” were called out. These are identifiers.
Eshaan then gave us a quick bio of where he grew up, his education, what his parents did for jobs and then asked the audience a series of questions to guess his favourite food, sport, music etc…The audience got all of the answers wrong. The answers suggested assumptions made due to his Muslim name, how he grew up and his beliefs. These are all central parts of his identity.
Eshaan said “we determine our existence by our identifiers”, and that he once got fired from his job at the Asian Network because he was considered 'not Asian enough'. The audience had indeed made many assumptions about him due to his identifiers, e.g. he’s Asian so his favourite food must be rice, his favourite place is East London and that he doesn’t drink alcohol.
He used the term “poverty of language” to describe how we inhabit a world where the language we use limits the way we want to express our identities. Masculinity is part of this expression. For him, identity, including masculinity, shouldn’t be based on parameters or identifiers that the system has made or set up for us. Instead all these parts of us should be fluid and ever-evolving. We shouldn't be restricted in how we express ourselves, how we develop, or our growth simply due to how someone describes us.
Liz on …. Susie Orbach
Psychotherapist and psychoanalyst, Susie Orbach, joined Rox for a fireside chat to talk about masculinity in relation to the challenges men are facing and how much of an impact their experiences as young boys have on their adult attitudes. The main focus of this session was having compassion for men who are having to re-learn what masculinity is in a world that is changing incredibly quickly.
Referencing her 13 year old grandson, Susie reflected on how few options are available to boys growing into the world with so called 'role-models' like Andrew Tate fuelling the belief that success is achieved economically. As the mum of a 14 year old son, this particularly resonated with me as his ambition is around selling and prestige, as opposed to, as Susie said so well, ‘contribution and engagement’. So much so that the suggestion is, if you're not financially successful, you aren’t even a man.
Susie discussed how young boys are brought up with their mother, primarily, subconsciously imprinting a sense of entitlement on their sons and a belief that their emotional needs will be tended to (by women). Boys play sport, competitive and othering (to the opposition), whereas girls play tea parties, voicing their problems and emotions through the role play.
These young boys then grow into men who are fighting for their role in society, with ambitions for financial success, finding it difficult when they learn that the world is changing - the women in their lives are bolder than expected and are asking for emotional support to be reciprocated.
Striving for economic success, which might involve traditionally masculine strengths, juxtaposed with the evolution of society requiring softer identity traits, presents a challenge for men. When asked how we can support men facing this challenge, particularly in the workplace, Susie suggested story-telling. Men who have begun to recognise their shortcomings sharing their stories with those who might still be holding onto toxic masculine traits. That is, creating forums in which men can reflect on what is and isn't working for them and how it feels to give up on some of the traditional views of success.
Susie concluded with a call to retire the phrase 'pale, male and stale' and to appreciate the contribution that all men make to men and women alike, and to society as a whole.
Rox on … Matt Lindley
Matt finished off the event with professionalism and style. He was a pilot in the RAF back when it was illegal to be gay in the UK Armed Forces. We were all stunned by the recency of some of the ostracising language used about the LGBT community in this context.
He was asked to attend the UK equivalent of Top Gun school. He went for it knowing that it meant keeping his identity under wraps. Whilst he claims he was running out of ability, he also acknowledged that there was a huge amount of effort involved in keeping his identity a secret and that it started to consume him. Little wonder he didn't complete the programme given how very high this particular bar is, and how much energy was being subsumed by his secret.
The most interesting part was when he was outed at work. He instinctively went to his line manager and asks himself why he made this decision. The conclusion is that his manager, Tom, had built trust via connection and vulnerability. They had a regular meeting to analyse what had worked and what didn't work about their flying and Tom's motto was 'Leave your stripes at the door'. That is, hierarchy had to be let go of in those meetings for them to be effective. Matt also had to teach Tom to fly which could have been really challenging given the hierarchy, but Tom, as the senior person in a very hierarchical organisation, was able to say 'I'm really struggling with this'.
The result was a huge amount of trust and respect, and an inspirational line manager/direct report relationship. We all left the event wanting to 'be more Tom'.
So..lots to think about! Thank you so much for those of you that were able to join us. Those of you that weren't, please watch this space for next year.
In the meantime, if you would like to see footage of the event, please email Liz for videos that will be available to view for a limited time.
See you soon!
Team THC x