Hi all.
Wow last week was a difficult week to be a woman.
International Women’s Day
I had one engagement. One! I thought maybe it was just me so checked in with some fellow I&D consultants who reported the same thing. International Women’s Day seemed to be a bit of a damp squib this year.
As reported in the press on a daily basis and as witnessed in the work I do with women, the pressure has never been greater on women. For women and girls around the world, the impact of Covid 19 and the associated lockdowns has been huge. We risk turning back the clock on decades of progress. And yet… the noise in organisations is, erm, minimal.
To remind you, here are some stats:
- Mothers are spending around 10 hours a day looking after children – two hours more than fathers
- Almost 20 per cent of women work in sectors that have suffered job losses and earnings cuts, compared to 13 per cent of men
- Mothers are 47 per cent more likely than fathers to have lost or quit their job since the lockdown began
- Around 16 per cent of mothers are no longer in work as a result of the pandemic, compared to 11 per cent of fathers
- One in four new or soon-to-be mothers claim to have faced discrimination at work during lockdown, such as being singled out for redundancy or furlough
- 62 per cent of women have experienced increased levels of stress or anxiety due to the pandemic, compared to 48 per cent of men
(Source : Telegraph)
The Meghan and Harry interview
My experience in watching the interview was so different to how it was reported in the press, that I began to wonder if I was going mad. I witnessed a calm and articulate couple explain their version of the events of the past 2 years. I did not see anyone trash their family and felt the couple were clear that their anger was directed at the institution rather than the individuals within it. I couldn't figure out why they were doing it - perhaps some deep pyschological need to finally be heard? And also couldn't figure out how she could walk whilst heavily pregnant in those crazy heels. Anyhow, that was my experience. I'm aware that many other people have many other different views.
But this is what worried me : the lack of belief from the press the next day in her mental health struggles. What are they modelling to our friends, our families and our colleagues? That when you dare to speak out about suicidal thoughts you will be vilified and not believed? We are in the middle of a secondary pandemic – that of acute anxiety and depression. Honestly, I can count on one hand the number of coaching clients I've had in the past 12 months who haven't presented with some kind of MH challenge.
"When someone tells you they are suicidal there is only one rule : believe them" (Matt Haig)
(Our MH module is here and gives you guidance as to how to support someone who tells you they are having suicidal thoughts.)
The other concern I have is a bit harder to articulate. We have created such shame around the 'accusation' of being racist that people literally cannot sit with it and unpick it. Piers Morgan walks off of set. Prince William immediately retorts that his family is not racist. We all have unconscious bias and most of us have unconscious bias around race. This is why I like the terminology of being anti-racist. Because the question is less about whether you are racist or not (I personally believe it's next to impossible not to be harbouring some kind of racist thoughts or feelings given we are swimming in messages of white supremacy on a daily basis) but whether you are actively trying to do something to dismantle that system. There was an opportunity missed in Piers Morgan not leaning in to that uncomfortable conversation with Alex Beresford.
I'm currently reading Sathnam Sanghera's Empireland and it is clear that the monarchy, colonialism and notions of the empire are very closely intertwined. If you want to do something anti-racist today, go order that book. Our ethnic and racial diversity module is also available here.
RIP Sarah Everard
As I'm sure is the same for many of you, this felt close to home. I've lived in Stockwell, Clapham and Oval and also went to school with one of her friends. It is horrific and I struggle to find the words. It could have been any one of us.
One of my tasks for last week was supposed to be pulling together a steering group for our International Men's Day event with Utopia and, quite frankly, I felt totally paralysed. (Sorry @Daniele!). I felt I couldn't even get my husband to understand the anger, the fear and the pain. And why would he? I've never told him about it. I just felt it was nothing worth mentioning up until this week. This week we've tried to talk it through. He finds the anger directed at men difficult to accept. I find it hard to understand what other feelings we are supposed to have, other than to be completely incensed and enraged. So we take a deep breath, and commit to listening and understanding each other.
This is something I'm rumbling with - 'Why has this particular case shocked us so much?' Is it because our nerves and patience are frayed after consecutive lockdowns? Is it because 'she could have been any one of us'? Is it because it was the week of International Women's Day? I practically ignored the murders of Nicola Smallman and Bibaa Henry when they were reported. Why did that not feel like it could have been any one of us? They were celebrating a birthday in a park and 'listening to music and dancing with fairy lights' (Guardian, 2020). Switch NW London with South London and I'm a bit perplexed. Am I unconsciously reacting differently because she is white? Am I unconsciously harbouring racist feelings?
So, yes, I'm angry. I'm reflecting on my own experiences - in the past and over the past week. And thinking about intersectionality as I do so. I'm also bloody exhausted. (I suspect black women are even more exhausted). But I do want to leave you with something vaguely constructive and hopeful...
I know that men and women need to come together to have these conversations. The patriarchy is something that is killing men as well as killing women. I think it's only by speaking 'our truth' and for our partners, families and colleagues to listen and believe in what we say, that we will start getting somewhere. Patriarchal and racist systems require dismantling and courageous conversation is the best route in that I know.
And to leave you with some hope, I had a new business meeting this morning with an MD of a veterinary group. He told me that the events of last week had made him want to create what change he could within his own small ecosystem. "If I just make a difference to one woman in starting this conversation, it will have been worth it".
Whatever your experience of last week was, we invite you to consider the pyramid of re-thinking styles at the top of the page. How are you interacting and thinking about events? How could you move up the pyramid?
With love, Rox